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Friday, June 4, 2010

Counseling & Me

This is actually one of my assignment during the course of my counseling program, and i think i would like to share it with others in my blog.
Here it is:

If I would like to tell about why I choose to study counseling, I will say that it is all start with an idealistic thought rather than a realistic planning. What makes me say it is because of an idealistic thought? You will know it from my story of the process I went through in selecting the counseling profession…

When I was a kid, I have a lot of fantasies. I wanted to become a professional basketball player, a kung fu master, a singer, and a lot more, and my parents give me a lot of freedom in choosing what I want to be. I think it was until Form 5, then only I started to consider what field of occupation that I really want to get into, and the answer is I wanted to become a teacher! And my ambition to be a teacher at that time is very much related to why I am studying counseling now.

Influence
As what I remember, my ambition to become a teacher is mainly influenced by , a science-fiction novel series written by Ni Kuang. Although the novel series is about the adventures of the main character, Wisely, but the stories reflect a lot of the weaknesses, and negative or evil side of mankind in making a lot of problem to human itself such as crimes, pollution, and wars. The ugly side of human is self-destructive. Because of I am a person who likes to make a lot of thinking alone, by reading these books, it makes me think of how I can help, or what can I do to solve this social phenomenon for the sake of mankind. Thus, I want to be a teacher because I think I can teach the young generation to have a good and strong will, and develop a ‘good’ personality before they are being ‘polluted’ by the darker side of the society. Moreover, I can also pass my thoughts to a lot of people by being a teacher. I believe that if I can teach them the ‘right’ things, many problems in our society can be reduced. In addition, actually I really enjoy the feelings of ‘lecturing’ people, the feeling of sharing my point of view.

Another reason of why I want to be a teacher is because I do not like to work for long hours, and to deal with a lot of paper work by just sitting inside in an office. To me, the workload for a teacher is not as much as other types of office work, and I can enjoy a lot of holidays. Although some people may think it is hard for a teacher to make a lot of money, but that’s not within my consideration, maybe because I do not have a good knowledge on financial planning. Somehow, I still think that if I want to earn more money, I can do it by giving tuition besides teaching at school.

Apart from the thought of want to be a teacher, I have a little interest on study psychology because at that time, I was thinking by understanding the thought of human, I can influence people easily to have a same way of thinking like me. In conclusion, I would say that I am the one that think about what I want to be rather than being influence by someone significant, because I really cannot think of anyone who influences me in thinking in such way.

Significant Event
But things have changed somehow. After I have finished my pre-university study, I was required to choose courses that I would like to study in varsity. At that time, the courses that appeared in my mind was education and psychology. But when I looked at the choices, I saw a course called “counseling” offered by University of Malaya, which is the university that I wanted to get into. Since UM is my dream university, plus the word “counseling” made me think that it is a combination of education and psychology, thus I made this course as my first choice. This is a significant event which connects me to counseling. If according to my ambition at the time, I should have listed educational courses as my first choice. But because I did not want to think too much, nor make a lot of research on the course, I chose counseling.

Realization
A few months later, I successfully got myself into UM after an interview, and started my study on “counseling”. After a series of classes, I started to know more about the counseling profession, and also started to realize that I cannot become a teacher by taking this course. At first, a small part of my mind telling me that I had choose a wrong course to study; but another part of my mind is telling me that, actually I can also reshape the society by helping adults besides helping the young generation by studying counseling! And because of some reasons such as the difficulty and time consuming on changing course, and also the content of the course is deeply interest me, I decided to continue my study on it.

From time to time in my study of counseling, my understanding about it has improved a lot than before, and some of my perception has also changed. I realized that actually my thought of changing the society is very objective and not very realistic. I think it is not very realistic is because it is almost impossible to change everyone to have a same perception like me since everybody have different cultural background and may influenced by a lot of things in their own life. On the other hand, I’m thinking that it is more important to help others to live a happy life, and if everyone in this world is living happily, the world can also become more beautiful as the way I hope for! Helping as much people as I can is also more realistic than changing every people in this world. Moreover, I have also realize that one of the best things in this world is helping people to get what they want, but not making people to accept what we want.

Somewhere along my study in counseling, I also realized that the thought of want to change others is not only objective and unrealistic; it is also kind of irrational and can be devilish. Every individual have his or her own unique personality and worldview, and it is impossible to make people think the same as I am. In additional, I think my perception about the changing others is very objective because what I think is right maybe is wrong to the other, and there’s no absolute answer for a lot of things in this world. If I insist to make everyone think the same way as I am, then maybe I will ignore others right, and the real happiness that others seek for. Moreover, we maybe cannot see the uniqueness personalities in the mankind that makes the world so colorful if everyone just thinks like me.

Counseling And Me
Apart from what I have mentioned above, actually by studying counseling also allowed me to know myself better, and helps me solve some of my personal issues such as my personality problem. For example, I am an impatient, hot-tempered person, and after I’ve started studying counseling, I try to change into a better person by applying what I’ve learnt. Having patience is also actually one of the basic criteria to be a good counselor. I have come to understand in order to help others, one must first know how to help oneself. All this while, I label myself as a problematic person, and it makes me think that I can empathize others easier because I have been through a lot.

The counseling profession actually requires a lot of talking, which is not so different from teaching. And it turns out to be almost the same as what I wished for to be a teacher. Like what I have mentioned before, I like the job that needs to talk a lot rather than the job that need to do a lot of paper work. Counseling has similarities with lecturing but it comes in a different form in which it actually requires more listening and questioning. It requires more professional skill to do so, and it is a skill that I’m constantly trying to improve. Besides all that, I will feel very happy and successful when helping others, and I do not think of want to change the world so much anymore, but just help as much people as I can. Surprisingly, the more I study about counseling, the more I think I am suitable for this profession.

Throughout my study in counseling, counseling has now become a big part in my life in which I dream to be a successful counselor. Although I am become more mature than before and have a more realistic ambition, but actually the idealistic part of want to influence others still stays in some part of my mind. I still have the hope that I can influence every human to care more about each other and also our mother earth, to makes our world become more beautiful than before.


*P/S: My english is not that good, it was edited by my girlfriend :P

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

我和剧场

2009年,马大灯笼节如常的举行,而文化之夜将上演的歌舞剧也在招募演员。
爱演、爱唱、爱跳的我当然是希望趁我毕业之前可以上演一场举世瞩目、《雪狼湖》式的歌舞剧。
就这样,胆粗粗与满怀理想地去面试。也因为这样,我和我的剧场恩师们(Amelia、俊耀、Eugene老窦、Emiko)有了第一次的接触,同时也接触了一个专业剧团-TEA剧场。

就被录取了咯!是的,就被录取了咯!没必要详细地讲述面试过程。
也不懂算不算。‘我’和‘剧场’就这样挂上了钩。

通过了面式,接下来的就是一连串的训练,一连串的戏剧的知识与经验。
真的,演戏真的有很多学问,亲身的体验的确是不一样。
(以前曾说谁谁谁演得不好;这套戏、那套戏很滥,其实只是自己不懂得欣赏)
经过了两个月多的排练后,就上台表演了《同心结》这一出舞台剧。
表演圆满落幕,第九届马大灯笼节正式结束。

但这结束,却是我的另外一个开始!
我通过了TEA剧场招收《TEA二团》的面式,加入了TEA这个大家庭,多了一个老窦、21个姐弟妹、和一些亲戚。
这《TEA二团》是要为剧场界培训更多人才而开启的一个培训班,而因为我对演戏很有兴趣,也有当戏剧老师的憧憬,所以就加入了TEA。

但一切和我想象中的不太一样……
要成为一位专业的剧场工作者,是需要各很多方面的知识和能力。当然TEA会给与我们这方面的培训,但,这无形中已成为了一种压力。
再加上我的20个弟妹以及好几个比我还要年轻的叔叔阿姨们,都是很有料、有戏剧背景的;已经24岁才要学戏剧的我,怎能不自卑呢?
这一些心理的因素,让我和TEA,产生了一种无形的距离……
我,让我自己和TEA的人产生了距离……
我,却克服不了……

除此之外,TEA的办公室坐落于蕉赖,对于经济能力不好的我,交通费就成了一个负担。虽然偶尔有我“弟弟”的顺风车可以搭,但也不能每次都靠他们啊……
就因为这样,坦白地说,很多时候我可抽时间出席TEA活动的时候,一遇其他事情,TEA活动都会成了我第二选择。
是,我有不负责任的地方,
是,我有错……
我不懂该说什么……

最近,我找到了一份在云顶半山当辅导老师的工作,面了式,算是通过了。
而这也成为了一个我应该做决定的时候:去或留?现实还是理想??坚持还是放弃???
必须得说的是,我现在毕业了,PTPTN没了,得靠自己双手赚钱养自己了。
我没理由要我的家庭给我金钱上的支柱来让我在TEA里完成训练,所以一份稳定且提供食膳住宿的工作,的确能给我的生活一份安全感。

TEA真得很好,TEA里面的人更加的好;但…………
我和我老窦说我有打算要离开的时候,他对我说:“只要你不嫌弃,我永远是你老窦,他们永远是你的姐弟妹……”
老实说,如果老窦你不这样讲,我还是会认亲认戚的啦!:P

虽然我在TEA不积极,但还是让我学了不少。
TEA有一群热心于剧场的人,免费提供专业培训,除了戏剧知识,还有很多受用无穷的softskill与知识。
而且在TEA也是条走向表演艺术的路,我喜欢的路。
我不懂……

我是不是该安静地走开

还是该勇敢留下来

我也不知道

那么多无奈

可不可以都重来?


其实如果重来又会怎样呢?只是刚好前几句适合,就引用了一下啰。

之前还不敢做出决定,但刚刚还是逼着自己,send了一封沉重的message;
以我目前的态度与状况,离开,应该对大家都好……

这就是我和剧场目前的故事,还会不会有后续呢我不知道……
希望还有吧!

谢谢,谢谢老窦,谢谢我的姐弟妹,谢谢Amelia奶奶,谢谢俊耀和Emiko老师,谢谢TEA里所有的人。谢谢……